Friday, July 13, 2012

Dear husbands,

Dear husbands,

Most little girls at some point in their life {most likely after watching Steel Magnolias for the first time} will find them selves laying on the floor of their bedroom, with their chin in their hands, dreaming about their wedding.  I did.

I dreamed about a candlelit ceremony at Christmas time.  In my dream, my bride's maids wore red taffeta dresses.  I wore an ivory dress with a white fur shawl {to represent snow on my shoulders}.  My shoes and lipstick were also red.  My hair would be pulled back in a really curly up-do. I would wear diamonds on my ears and a gold/diamond tennis bracelet my groom had delivered to me (along with dozens of roses and balloons) just before the ceremony.  My groom and his groom's men would wear black tuxedos with red bow ties. I could never decide on comber-buns or vests..... I won't bore you with all of the details but you get the idea.

After the honey-moon I would return to some fabulous job wear everyone thought I was the funniest, prettiest, and smartest person they knew {trend in all my life fantasies, by the way}. My husband and I spent as much time together as we could.  We had romantic picnic lunches and we would throw parties at our ridiculously cute house and all of our friends would come and say it was "the best party they'd ever been to".

Most little girls think about these things. But none of us ever spent hours day-dreaming about the kind of women our husbands would look at when we weren't looking or talk to with a lustful heart.

In real life, my husband and I have both been unfaithful to each other. Not in the "gotcha on a technicality" way, but in the seriously "guilty of adultery" way.  I can tell you that on both sides of the spectrum, being cheated on and doing the cheating, HURTS.  It changes the way you see people.  It changes the way you think people see you.  The color of day time seems different and dingier.  Night time becomes neon and loud.  The line between love and hate and truth and lies becomes blurry, slobbery, yellowed, and tarnished.  Puffy eyes and turning stomach become a familiar friend and decency becomes something you'd rather spit at than acquire.

Jesus said, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matt 5:28

Sin isn't a list of rules that God gives us because he wants us to prove ourselves.  It wasn't until my husband and I walked through darkness that I realized sin is something that hurts our hearts.  Sin puts it's fist down our throats, grabs hold of our guts and turns us inside out.  Then, takes it's oozing, bloody hand and smears guilt all over our faces.  

Jesus gently puts his wounded hand on your heart.  He looks lovingly into your eyes and with his other hand he cleans the guilt off your face.  Jesus speaks and heals the hurt that sin leaves behind.  All you have to do is put sin behind you and keep your eyes on His.

I used to say, "I don't care what he does as long as he comes home to me."  If I'd said that one more time I probably would have developed a facial tick.  I was lying through my scared teeth.

The world (your friends and her friends) tells your wife "don't ask questions it's really none of your business", "don't be possessive", and basically "just be cool."  That's why I acted like I didn't care.  I was supposed to believe that I didn't deserve a husband who loves only me.   I was supposed to settle.  I was supposed to believe I wasn't good enough.  

Eph 5:25 "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her..."

If your eyes are on other women and your wife says she doesn't care, she has settled for you and she doesn't think she deserves better.  Be the man that raises her standards.  Ask God what that looks like for you.  I pray that God answers your prayer swiftly and with wisdom and revelation.  I pray you have ears to hear and eyes to see and that His words fall softly and sweetly on your heart.


  1. Im so proud of you for writing this, I know it took a lot of courage. I love you, so much.

  2. Wow, Crissy, that is a real testimony! So glad that you and your husband found Jesus and each other again! I think many people could benefit from your story...even though they may be in denial. It takes 3 to complete a marriage - the man and woman and God. He has to be a welcome addition to the marriage for it to work. I think women also tend not to realize that they are just as guilty of adultery when they read and watch such trashy and lustful things like very sexual movies and books (you probably know which ones I am referring to) as when their husbands watch pornography. We both have to live by the same higher standards. I am so glad I only desire my husband and couldn't even imagine sharing myself with anyone else...not because I am "holier" than anyone else but I really just couldn't imagine being able to share myself with anyone else. :-)