I've spent the good part of three weeks sitting on my couch staring at the tv or my phone. I haven't had much interaction with my kids, my husband, my friends, or my Savior. This happens ever so often. It's a depression plain and simple. A lack of thankfulness and a plethora of anxiety swirled with sleepiness and hopelessness. My ceiling seems much lower and my windows very narrow and the curtains are heavy and thick. My eyes long to close as my thoughts increase with velocity. My children's voices seem louder and problems come without solutions. My hope is paralyzed along with my trust in the One who created me.
fear /fi(ə)r/ NOUN
I'm afraid of snakes, spiders, rats, bees, wasps, being judged, being observed, being rejected, being criticized, being left behind and being forgotten. I'm afraid of being poor, falling to my death, losing my dearly loved, losing pictures, not being appreciated and being underestimated. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of failing....again.
My Father, who speaks gently and poignantly, has been speaking to me about fear. He hasn't been making me afraid. He's reminding me that I have fears with which I haven't trusted him.
allow without fear
Today, I stood silently in the heat. My eyes were pointed down and I was bored. I began thinking about fear again. The Small Still Voice said "the opposite of fear is trust".
Which is funny because I thought the opposite of fear is bravery.
Endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear:
But bravery means that you don't show fear, not that you don't feel fear.
I punched a guy in a bar because I was afraid of him. I ignored my fears and bravely threw my fist at him. I trusted he wouldn't hit a girl. He wasn't trustworthy.
Trusting the Lord with your fears is brave. Admitting that you can't handle them yourself is brave. It's good to be brave . But trust, trust is the absence of fear. It's something you do, not something you feel.
To put your trust in Jesus is to do things His way.
I'm sitting in a grey cloud. I can barely see my own hand in front of my face. But now, I'm stretching; reaching out my hand. If I keep trusting, if I reach for Him, I'll feel His hand that is already reaching for me. Then, at the end I'll see blue skies, white clouds and bright sunshine and breath fresh air. Trusting, soaring, breathing, weightless, carried.
"Do not be afraid for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isa 41:10
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones. (Proverbs 3:5-8 NKJV)