Wednesday, August 15, 2012


One time I punched a guy right in the face. I can still remember how it felt when his cheek squished under my fist. I used to think I wasn't scared of anything.....

I've spent the good part of three weeks sitting on my couch staring at the tv or my phone. I haven't had much interaction with my kids, my husband, my friends, or my Savior. This happens ever so often. It's a depression plain and simple. A lack of thankfulness and a plethora of anxiety swirled with sleepiness and hopelessness. My ceiling seems much lower and my windows very narrow and the curtains are heavy and thick. My eyes long to close as my thoughts  increase with velocity. My children's voices seem louder and problems come without solutions. My hope is paralyzed along with my trust in the One who created me.

fear  /fi(ə)r/ NOUN

An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. 

I'm afraid of snakes, spiders, rats, bees, wasps, being judged, being observed, being rejected, being criticized, being left behind and being forgotten. I'm afraid of being poor, falling to my death, losing my dearly loved, losing pictures, not being appreciated and being underestimated. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of failing....again.

My Father, who speaks gently and poignantly, has been speaking to me about fear. He hasn't been making me afraid. He's reminding me that I have fears with which I haven't trusted him.

trust/trəst/  VERB

allow without fear

Today, I stood silently in the heat. My eyes were pointed down and I was bored. I began thinking about fear again. The Small Still Voice said "the opposite of fear is trust".
Which is funny because I thought the opposite of fear is bravery.

brave/brāv/ ADJECTIVE

Endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear: 

But bravery means that you don't show fear, not that you don't feel fear.

I punched a guy in a bar because I was afraid of him. I ignored my fears and bravely threw my fist at him. I trusted he wouldn't hit a girl. He wasn't trustworthy.

Trusting the Lord with your fears is brave. Admitting that you can't handle them yourself is brave. It's good to be brave . But trust, trust is the absence of fear.  It's something you do, not something you feel. 

To put your trust in Jesus is to do things His way.

I'm sitting in a grey cloud. I can barely see my own hand in front of my face. But now, I'm stretching; reaching out my hand. If I keep trusting, if I reach for Him, I'll feel His hand that is already reaching for me. Then, at the end I'll see blue skies, white clouds and bright sunshine and breath fresh air. Trusting, soaring, breathing, weightless, carried.

"Do not be afraid for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isa 41:10
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones. (Proverbs 3:5-8 NKJV)


  1. I too suffer with issues of FEAR/ husband jokes that I worry about not having anything to worry about. My daughter who is 19 has lots of fears about a lot of things and is anxious over almost anything. She started 2nd year of college at a new school and I committed to pray Isaiah 41:10 over her for this semester. I gave her a card along with the verse (yesterday morning) and she showed me that she had put that verse in a couple places so that it would be a constant reminder of God's promise to her. This was confirmation that the verse was the one for her right now.
    Thanks for sharing your heart. May God give you peace comfort and strength to see HIS SON shine again!

  2. Thank you Piper! I will try to remember to keep you daughter in my prayers as well.

  3. I'm thanking Jesus that you know the Truth. That you know that God is not the author of confusion or fear and that He never uses shame, but these are tools of the enemy. Sometimes I feel so much like this. I truly think the enemy puts people that God is moving in these dark clouds. Let your light shine- gettin' all preschool on you take that bushel off sister!Praying for you!

  4. Thank you Gillian! Sometimes we need to take it back preschool! Thanks for praying too.