Search me God and know my thoughts.
Test me and know my anxieties.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I was awoken this morning, like I am every morning, with Tucker's precious face next to mine and him saying, "Mamma, it's sunny. Can I get up?" Then, when I open my eyes he raises his eyebrows at me two times and smiles. He barely gives me time to stand up before he tells me he's hungry. This morning, I suggested we go get donuts.
When we got in the car I decided I didn't want to go to our usual place because even though they have Tucker's "favorite" donuts, (White Sprinkle Donuts) their coffee is awful and weak and barely brown in color. So we made the far trip (15 minutes) to Dunkin Donuts. Once we got our donuts we made our way to the tables outside.
Tucker was eating his green sprinkle donut. Dalton was enjoying a cinnamon munchkin and me, I was eating an old fashioned donut and drinking a coconut latte. We were sitting in the sunshine enjoying our breakfast and all of us were staring off in different directions. I looked down by my foot and noticed cigarette ashes on the ground. I couldn't stop staring at it and it was in this moment, staring at a trail of ashes that God spoke to me.
You search me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise.
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down.
You are familiar with all of my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before.
You have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
In the story of Narnia, there is a character named Eustace. Eustace is a "record stinker". One day, in order to avoid doing work he wonders into the woods. It starts to rain so Eustace seeks shelter in a cave where he comes across a treasure chest. He takes a bracelet from the chest and slips it on his arm. Eustace falls asleep and when he wakes up he's a dragon. One thing leads to another and he eventually painfully sheds all of his scales and is left standing before Azlin the Lion (Jesus) pink and raw.
The dragon's scales represent sin. The first time I heard the story of Eustace, The Holy Spirit ministered to me using the words "pink and raw". I wanted to stand before Him pink and raw. I wanted to shed my scales. My cigarettes were scales. At one point in the story, Eustace is clawing at his scales trying to get them off and Azlin tells him, "I'll have to do it." That's what happened with my cigarettes. He did it and I shed scales.
Sitting there today, staring at someone's scales, I asked myself, "Am I pink and raw?" There have been times that I thought I was. There have been days that the weight of revelations was pushing tears from my eyes and praises from my mouth and I had thought I was pink and raw. But, today I had to ask, "God, am I pink and raw?" He said, "You still have scales to remove." And He began to gently show me my scales.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and felt the sun on my face. I said to Him, the One that removes my scales, "You'll have to do it." He agreed.
I love Him because He doesn't shake His head at me or yell at me and make me cower. He uses the smallest moments and the slightest details to softly speak His love words to me. His hand is upon me and knowing that is too wonderful for me and too lofty for me to attain.